There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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