And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
