youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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