he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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