Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
