I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
