the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
