ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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