there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
