Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
