I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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