Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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