The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
