I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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