you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
