I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
