The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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