Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
