Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We had sex on a dog bed..
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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