She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
