I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
