whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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