Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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