I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
