Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
