I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
