he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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