I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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