He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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