idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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