the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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