Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
