At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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