i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
