Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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