I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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