I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
