you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Your dad touched me again.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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