It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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