Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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