I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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