I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Four minutes until I can fart!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
