you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
