And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
