Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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