I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
