My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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