Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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