we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
