just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
it's like heaven, but drunker
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
