Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
