you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
farters have to be the big spoon...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
