Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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