Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
