She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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