I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize