Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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