Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
the condom got lost in my hair
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My vagina just clenched in fear
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
