You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
